Music For The Soul

Halo of Red... Thoughts Never Said.

Take it away, the silence and pain.
Memories seep into fathoms of deep.
Nothing to give, nothing to make it stop.
Heart grown cold through tales of old.

Did you hear her pull the trigger?

Nothing I can do will fill the skeleton interior of a human grown taunt with a malnourished soul. Nothing but the shed skin of a snake to hide what scales still glimmer. Each pad of each finger pressures upon the shadow wall leaving a fading trail of ghostly white.

Don't try and bring me sunshine. I need the gray clouds and rain to wash the pain away. I need the wind to blow... and take me away. Though blind you all are to the nature in my eyes. An empty shell houses a storm. My flesh is the bark peeling away, reveling flush that only longs for the warmth that flows from your fingers. Yet I lay in darkness and for a moment I can feel you loving me.

I am slumberless... All I can see beneath the opal spheres are broken hopes and burned out dreams. Nothing brings peace within when turmoil surrounds inside. All I can do is continue to play huntress in my realm that choses when I can stalk my prey. Loosens my tongue unveiling a power I have only with words you can't hear. The fire within is an evil ice pixie... she is beautiful and everything you desire. What you desire is here already, you refuse to see. You are everything I desire.

Please don't tell me the truth anymore... though I am standing here its pushing me so far away. I want to hold a lie close to my heart, it can be my yew for now.

I wish I could turn it off. Make the darkness hide... make the pain into nothing but pleasure. Peel away the impurities and... nothing will though. Disillusionment... playing ambient in my head. The only think that will emerge from infant flesh are my crimson beasts. Running in circles around my legs, pulling you in and tilting you on your head... at least that is what is said. A map to the truth etched in breathing canvas. Memories seep into fathoms of deep... peachy shadows from nightmares creep. Metallic dances performed by ballerinas of porcelain. Bringing creation to destruction... but that is how the song goes. A heart grown cold through tales of old, a tarnished bronze once though as gold.

In the cold sky,
My past is trailing by.
Illusions sent me astray,
My chances gone,
I've lost you in the dark...
I've lost you through the years.

Yet in a strange way, I love what I have become.

Did you know my name?
My face a whithered frame...
I'm not what you have known.

Shadow People Are The Only Company of 3am...

I am haunted by things beyond my control.

I am haunted by the whispers behind the light and the dark.

There are things beyond my realm that creep into my brain creating a brittle web of tangled roots wrapped around dreams.

(to be continued...)

Can You Hear Me?

I have this problem of simply thinking too much. And I am fairly sure it is a curse.

As soon as I even touch a bed my brain likes to go twice the speed. Thinking of everything and anything. A sudden burst of energy before I go to sleep.

Doesn't help that I have crazy stuff on my mind that I shouldn't let bother me at all.

However, I never knew how much one small thing can wear a person down. I have this tough outer shell that I hide all my problems and woe in. Yet... just that one little thing has sprung a leak and I feel myself slowly breaking down. My shell is thin and weak and full of cracks. Then... here soon I am just going to break. It is like water... soft but wears down mountains...

The water keeps running...

An ocean, from the depths of my soul.

Making sense of shattered dreams...

The most beautiful thing in existence is the universe itself.

The shimmering endless iridescence of the galaxies, swirling with stars and life. An array of the deepest purples of the aging sky and the brightest touch of daffodil. Blues of warmest clear oceans speckled with grains of glimmering onyx. The warm breath of clouds swim in the never ending sunrise.

Everything is so beautiful.

Except all that I touch... all that I breathe... it is never going to be the beauty that I see.

And with every fiber of my being I want to be that beauty...

Nobody can even feel this loss. I should be happy... it isn't like I am not cared for and all that was said it wasn't bad... I could be happy spending the rest of my life with you too...

But I am not that feeling inside, below your chest that takes your breath away, I am not that flutter that is almost doubtful because of how strong it is...

But... but... you do love me? And you are broken... that is what is going on. And it shouldn't hurt. I know you. You wouldn't hurt me, you want me to be happy... all the things you said. That there is nothing wrong with me. That I am...

But... I am not that shining star that you long for. You are my star... everything is brighter because of you. Things are falling into place after falling so scattered. And all I want is to be loved by you like that... so many before... not to one was I the only one. Their world. You are my world... I want to be yours too... why do I have to be the lucky one... aren't you lucky too...? No, there is nothing I can do to fix it or even need to do to change myself. It isn't my fault... and you are broken.

Everything you said. You told me that this was the worst thing you could do to me.

Not love me back...

And it hurts so bad...

You aren't 'in love' with me.

Everything you said. It wasn't bad? It wasn't good. It answered my question and in turn created an enigma...

And it hurt so bad... everything. And I want to not feel this way. I want things to be beautiful.

Why can't things be beautiful for me.

Ashes to ashes... Dust to dust...
Everything I touch turns into rust.
Please lay this pain to rest.
Can you feel me broken beneath my breast?
I savor every word and touch
because I love you too much.
And all I can do is hope and pray...
that you will love me too... someday.

Maybe you will wake up one day and realize... but something that isn't going to be there... is it ever going to be there? I just wish you could feel how much my heart hurts. It is like... for all I put into everything... and anything... I am allowed nothing in return... and I should have realized that I am not allowed to be happy. Haven't I learned my lesson yet? I am not allowed to be happy.

I want to touch the stars...
and see the ripples of my ugly life fade away.

Why is there so much pain in my existence?

"Holding close my secrets, naked broken pieces.
Since no one else belongs here with me."

Darling I Forgive You After All

Lately my mind has been reeling with so much all at once. I have noticed something about myself. I want so much to interact and talk to people but try so hard to avoid everyone. I decided to do something that really makes no sense. To be mad at the people I miss rather than miss them.

Also I don't think I have done proper justice to a particular relationship I had. A someone that for so long I had eyeballed and never thought I could grasp. Just barely out of my reach. Then suddenly through digital words we began to speak, thanks to my mother. Suddenly I met him as an actual introduction. I have never met someone who could just steal their way so quick into my life. The problem... do I love to easily for fear of not having love?

This guy, so like me and so not. So like everyone I have dated and so not. I wanted him so bad that I abandoned my other boyfriend (we were doomed actually) just so I could be with him. I wanted always to be close to him. I let him live with me no questions asked. I would never ask for more than what he gave even though it would have helped. The only real problem was simply the fact that he was married... Although he said they weren't together... it always seemed like they were plenty together... which isn't fair to me. I didn't mind he has a kid. I love kids. I want one/some eventually. However, because his wife never knew about me... I had to take a back seat in life. Which is understandable when it came to his daughter but i never understood the wife thing... except she uses his kid as a pawn to stab him when he is down and use as a pawn (I feel bad for both him and his daughter in this matter.) So was I a mistress? I never understood. If I was or not. It seemed like I was never part of his life only the "other" life. Then he left without warning. In a similar matter as the boy before who broke my heart.

Now, this shook me up fairly bad... considering that it was his wife's best friend that told me he was leaving before he even got a chance to tell me. And like that... he was gone. I wasn't the happiest about the whole situation and was so very very confused. Here one second... gone the next. It hurt more than I think he knew. Now I could go on and point fingers and play the blame game. But that is how a relationship is destroyed. Any relationship. My friend advised me that everything was going to be alright. That this wouldn't do any harm. He said it was going to make things better too. I wanted to think that. But I had the dooming feeling... even through as much as I wanted to be with him. I would pretend to be asleep when he got home just so he would come give me kisses and I could 'wake-up' and everything would be perfect... if even only for a moment. I did truly feel happy with him around. And never seeing him after I left had more of an impact on me than I think I knew. Not to mention my partial dying with illness and such. So the tune played on. We were still together. I saw him for 10 minutes when he picked up some mail one day then didn't see him again for over a month and haven't actually seen him since. He was hospitalized and in jail and I didn't know about any of this or that he was alive and okay. I still worry and wonder and hope to whatever it is I hope in that he is happy and healthy. Even though I still don't know what is going on inside his head. I still wonder... I will always care... I will always wonder... and I will always be here for him no matter what. Life continues whether anybody wants it to or not.

So life did continue. And I did meet another person... someone who randomly appeared into my life and was there for me when frankly, he could not. Now love has a funny way of working no matter what its potency is. I have my love now but thinking on the past... "It is like climbing a staircase in the dark and you reach the top and take and extra step that doesn't exist"... and you have that falling feeling... an empty fuzzy space where the phantom step should have been. That is how my heart feels. There is a space in there for him. I think of him, I talk to him, I check up on him and secretly send him good wishes that he may not even know exist...that little hallow of my heart fills with an empty fuzz. No it didn't work out. Yes, I will always love him, but life needs to go on. Even if it means pain and sorrow...

I had a dream about him last night... he was standing in this deserted street. Buildings around him old and decrypted, torn by dust and shadowy sorrows. Ghosts lurked around every corner, watching his every move. I walked toward him, from my side of the road, that mirrored his but the houses where merely mists engulfed in dead branches of trees long since green. My phantoms crawling along my feet, bare and following the cracks in the graying asphalt. And we met in the middle... our demons pressed against the ground becoming nothing more than warm wind engulfing us as I reached out to him and pressed my palm to the back of his head and pulled his cheek to mine. The ice of my face melted from his warmth, as I whispered into his ear, "Everything is going to be fine..." He breathed in deep as one hand found rest on my shoulder blade and the other entwined in my hair at the back of my skull. He let out a soft smiling sigh and breathed in deep again, this time saying, "I finally know that... I finally know that everything will be fine... and it is starting now..." Then there was a loud whirling blast and a strong wind blew me down onto the ground, my head smacked back hard against the road, I could see our ghosts spinning into a black vortex and he was pulled backward slowly but suddenly, his head lashed forward and back again. As if his skin was plastic it began to melt off like paint chips from an old wall but it wasn't hurting him. It was like an outer shell, all the bad fell away and what was left was a new skin. A whole person hiding underneath demons and strife. He continued to be pulled back into the vortex but now he was smiling and he reached his hand out to mine. Our fingertips touched and cracks of light ran along my hand but reach no further than my elbow. As if this was the last moment of his life he softly said, "Everyone one else is fine... now it is your turn. Do not forget." Then another pulse of wind and light cracked my head back again in pain and I woke up.

Symbolism... I think so. It all makes sense, to me. It will all make sense to him. This is all for him. And like my dream... everything will be fine. I believe that now for him. Things are changing. Things that are going to be difficult I am sure. But things that need to happen. Things I wanted to help him achieve so much. My biggest desire is for him to be happy. With or without, me, or my help. I know there is a strong, sane person behind his eyes. And as much as I want to wrap him in my arms... things may be better this way. From a distance. But closer than either of us know. Nothing but you... we share a unique connection in our soul.

These words may fade away.
Our voices may fade away.
Life fades away.
But somethings will never fade.

--Paulina

I Tried to Kill the Pain... But Only Brought More.

(Original Post Date: 2/12/2008)

Nothing golden stays... and my life is the rusting handle bars of an old tricycle.

The past 7 months have been nothing but hell. I didn't know that I had done such a horrible job at living because life is punishing me for existing.

I would actually love to say I was exaggerating. I would love to continue on with this sentence to have it end with a clever Paulina-like sarcasm... but in my life thinks don't really end like that. My humor is a poor excuse to hide the ever piling shit of my life.

So in August I begin to get sick. I have to break off a pretty good relationship. Then I begin school at the most wonderfully horrid place I could ever have not hoped to attend for my schooling to begin with... well I was excited at one point. I use to look forward to going to school and waking up in general. I also made one of the best friends I could ever hope for. So not all was bad, until I got sicker. One sick day led to another and next thing I know I am falling behind and I have never been a poor student. I go to the doctor... again... and again... and again... finally it is decided. "Paulina's tonsils need to be removed." Oh goodie.. so I spend a wonderful and horrid time recovering. Thus I fail a class I can't fix. Great more amazing good stress for the Paulina.

So I return to school... scrap by on my final and now time for some Christmas break rest and relaxation. If only... unfortunately I find out that my Mom's father had passed away. (My car also died...) So everything I had saved up is put toward and emergency trip to California. My mother and I begin our stay with my Aunt Tori... all was good for a little bit. Then she got into her usual alcoholic self and blamed us for her problems. So we high-tail it to my Uncle Alan and Aunt Teresa's house for a refreshing and relaxing stay until the funeral, where mostly emotions hovering around death is the only roadblock. I loved walking on the beach in my bare feet and getting to know my cousin Julia. It makes me so happy to have reconnected with that half of the family (even though it revealed things about my extended family that put upset elsewhere.)

Finally, I am home free. I get to enjoy as much time as I can with the best friend anyone could hope to have. My Biffy is my everything. Even though our seeing each other is separated by 4 painful months I enjoyed every waking second I got to spend just being with my best friend in the world. It was a slight relief. School was out, I got some personal affairs into order and it seemed like all of the stress was finally leaving and I could have peace of mind...

Then the most amazing thing happened.

I met the most random and not random person of my life. I took a bloody movie offer on a whim. I don't know what came over me but it was the best date of my life and now I have the most amazing boyfriend I could ever hope for... I don't know if he realizes how much he actually means to me and that I would do anything for him. He has up and stolen my heart and he can have the little ratty guy...

I haven't been happier. Those dreaded and evil words that curse my life... "I am happy." I am... I am... I am... I'm trying... for things in my life are coated in fool's gold.

I have been sick since August. After the tonsils something new showed up. I couldn't get enough to drink. I was dying of thirst. I was peeing like a pregnant woman. My vision was all screwy and I lost 25lbs in a month. So after slipping on the ice and being fed up with my thirst I go to the Doc-in-the-Box. They run some tests and he tell me I have Type 1 Diabetes... hor-fucking-yay... now I have to be rushed straight to the hospital to spend three nights and fours days fighting my new disease that has just completely just turned my whole life upside down. So apparently I did something in a past life to make karma hate me. Rather than just break my leg as payback, karma takes my pancreas and gives my diabetes. So now I get to spend the rest of my life starving and staring at food and goodies I cannot take part in, if I want to keep my toes and kidneys.

Now, this is something horrible, but I have a good support group. I have an amazing job, supportive family, caring/kind friends and surrounded by love. Not to mention a boyfriend who is supportive about my new sickness 100%... well while he is still here.

Now I have an awesome boyfriend. And my awesome boyfriend was presented with a great opportunity to better his life... but I am selfish and don't want him to go away. He may be leaving for some 15+ months to another state looming near the equator...

I just don't want to lose the one really good thing I have left in my life.
I do not want to lose that fuzzy happy feeling again.

But I support him in return 100% and hope with my heart that it doesn't mean the end because I would wait for him. For now I am taking in every moment I can just being with him and his dorking but oh so cute self. (And he made the most amazing lunch for me today. )

So here I am. Sick. Frustrated. Confused. Broken. Sad. Still hating school.
Trying to be happy because there are things to be happy about.

Oh yeah and the catalyst for my blogging is the great Microsoft and it's Demon Test Tube Spawn, Windows Vista. Just because life likes to fuck with me and just because I don't have enough problems... it decided... "Hey... let's crash Paulina's computer and delete all of her files."

I get attacked by various animals... I don't cry.
I slip and bang myself up on the concrete... I don't cry.
I get my belly piercing ripped out of my skin... I don't cry.

I get told I have a forever illness... I cry.
I get told my boyfriend is most likely leaving for a long time... I cry.

I get overloaded with so many emotions and then suddenly my brand spanking new computer fucks with my head... total emotional breakdown.

Welcome to my life...
It only gets better and better.

When your dancing by yourself...

I need to get it all out and put it somewhere... so here it is.

My life isn't what I expected thus far. I don't think anybodies lives turn out how they planned. My life just is something so confusing and... unlucky in some aspects. It is like being lucky that you are struck by lightning but being struck by lightning is bad. The bad odds are just as against someone as the the good. So I guess I am lucky.

My heart is utter turmoil. It is confused and bursting at the poorly stitched seams. I don't like being jealous and I don't like being confused. I want everything just to fall into place. For something to show me the right direction of things. I get scared... I have always been told that when I find my true love that I will be with them forever. It is written in my hands, future, eyes and stars. There are so many people out there... I just want to be loved now. I want it all. I want to always be held and loved, like the sun will never rise again. I have love and I love in return... and when I look into his eyes it is apparent. But then I look into the eyes of another who says they have always cared for so so long. I can't look at him though because I don't want to be torn in two. What I have now... I don't know what I have. I do have love... I do have love... but how long before I run away again. I am scared... forever is a long time and it is my destiny. I don't want to spend my life alone. I don't want to search when I have something right here but what do you do when you can't have all of someone?

I hide in the shadows writing my sorrows... I hide in the shadows writing my sorrows...

I want to lay under the stars surrounded by nothing but fresh air and music again.
I want to lay under the undisturbed star and dream and listen.
I want to lay under the heavens from above and lose myself.
I want to lay under the night sky safe in their arms.
I want to be safe.
I want to be happy.
I want everything I can't have.

So for now I close my eyes and escape into the beats of melodies.

It doesn't end there... I am scared of something much more dire that is written in my blood. I want to have a family someday. The woman in my family are cursed. I fall into my mom's step in suite. What if I can't have children... I want one at least... What if my window is shrinking. My mom lost her ability for children at 22. That's two and a half years for me. So I go back to the problem of my heart. What then? My health is less than wonderful and I have a ticking time bomb. So many problems... where are the solutions hiding?

I want to lay in the desert under the stars and have all my problems melt away.

I want what everyone else wants...

To be happy...

But right now.
I dance by myself.
While lonely, it's beautiful all the same.
I am happy hiding in my mind for now...

--Paulina