I need to get it all out and put it somewhere... so here it is.
My life isn't what I expected thus far. I don't think anybodies lives turn out how they planned. My life just is something so confusing and... unlucky in some aspects. It is like being lucky that you are struck by lightning but being struck by lightning is bad. The bad odds are just as against someone as the the good. So I guess I am lucky.
My heart is utter turmoil. It is confused and bursting at the poorly stitched seams. I don't like being jealous and I don't like being confused. I want everything just to fall into place. For something to show me the right direction of things. I get scared... I have always been told that when I find my true love that I will be with them forever. It is written in my hands, future, eyes and stars. There are so many people out there... I just want to be loved now. I want it all. I want to always be held and loved, like the sun will never rise again. I have love and I love in return... and when I look into his eyes it is apparent. But then I look into the eyes of another who says they have always cared for so so long. I can't look at him though because I don't want to be torn in two. What I have now... I don't know what I have. I do have love... I do have love... but how long before I run away again. I am scared... forever is a long time and it is my destiny. I don't want to spend my life alone. I don't want to search when I have something right here but what do you do when you can't have all of someone?
I hide in the shadows writing my sorrows... I hide in the shadows writing my sorrows...
I want to lay under the stars surrounded by nothing but fresh air and music again.
I want to lay under the undisturbed star and dream and listen.
I want to lay under the heavens from above and lose myself.
I want to lay under the night sky safe in their arms.
I want to be safe.
I want to be happy.
I want everything I can't have.
So for now I close my eyes and escape into the beats of melodies.
It doesn't end there... I am scared of something much more dire that is written in my blood. I want to have a family someday. The woman in my family are cursed. I fall into my mom's step in suite. What if I can't have children... I want one at least... What if my window is shrinking. My mom lost her ability for children at 22. That's two and a half years for me. So I go back to the problem of my heart. What then? My health is less than wonderful and I have a ticking time bomb. So many problems... where are the solutions hiding?
I want to lay in the desert under the stars and have all my problems melt away.
I want what everyone else wants...
To be happy...
But right now.
I dance by myself.
While lonely, it's beautiful all the same.
I am happy hiding in my mind for now...
--Paulina