That moment when there is nothing. That numbness, a choking shell. The brightest light burns with searing pain and the darkest nights are warming to the heart.
I whisper to shadows about my sorrow, wishing it wasn't toxic waste dripping from my mouth. Poison to those who love me. Fervently sewing the cracks in my broken exoskeleton into a quilt to cover the truth and let the world see only the pretty patches of triumph. If only hands could help to hold the sands of my broken heart slipping through my shaking fingers underneath. This outer layer providing a soft cover for the kindness... only myself to blame when I won't let anyone in.
Smiling and laughing are just parroted mimics of time past. How is it that I can be in such a safe place and feel so scared. Keep me from returning to the places killing me slowly. Working to near death just to, continue to, barely being able to live. Holding my breath so the plague of my sorrow will not spread infection leaving me alone with my screaming pleas of depression.
Every lasting moment is chained to my scarred body. There is no
keyhole to unlatch them from me. I have been pulling them with me all my
life. I've grown so weary and I am tired and I am broken. When will I
be broken enough? The ghosts continue to haunt... frolicking with those
demons as they whisper and scratch and bite. Running talons down my
hollowed face leaving trails of betrayal from each confrontation. Perched on my shoulders weighing my every movement down.
Digging claws into my chest making me gasp for words that roll into soundless screams. Mocking me with tales of my heart being too big... Shame on me. I will
suffer the punishments eternally for believing the best in people. I will continue to be broken, dragging myself along through the darkness. Hiding from the light. Storing the suffering inside lest it free itself into the hearts of those around me.
Rose colored glasses in various shades, I pass out in spades. Nobody can see the truth... otherwise the poison will continue to ruin the only things holding me up. The strings master my basic motions. Wishing they would snap. Let me tumble down, break into pieces and fall to stillness... to lay in silence.
Friday, January 9, 2015
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Seering Dreams
Not the person who sees red,
Who rips the seams of me?
The crimson is metaphor,
It is the pain, not malice.
Blind eyes, lost inside your head
An illusion of being so free
An imaginary world that continues to grow.
Fold your hands and bow, you've won?
Prepare to reap the seeds you grow...
The whispers saying I hate you...
When did I declare war?
My hand extended in truce
With kindness, festered a sore.
The whispers not fired from my eyes.
Well you've made it, Are you proud of the view,
Filled with darkness you omit
Smiles and false truths askew.
Fantasy still warm to your touch
Is the ice melting for you...
Who rips the seams of me?
The crimson is metaphor,
It is the pain, not malice.
Blind eyes, lost inside your head
An illusion of being so free
An imaginary world that continues to grow.
Fold your hands and bow, you've won?
Prepare to reap the seeds you grow...
The whispers saying I hate you...
When did I declare war?
My hand extended in truce
With kindness, festered a sore.
The whispers not fired from my eyes.
Well you've made it, Are you proud of the view,
Filled with darkness you omit
Smiles and false truths askew.
Fantasy still warm to your touch
Is the ice melting for you...
Is That My Reflection?
Walls scratched with red. Metallic ballerinas dance across the pale moonlit stage. Leaving only tears... Familiar voice. A moment filled with all emotions. A moment filled with comfort. A moment filled with dread. Eternities in mere moments of torment no words could transcend beyond the lucidity barrier. I see my own eyes now. Filled with hate. Holding myself down with the heaviest rage. Ribs crack. Throat clasped. Guts twisting. Heart spasm. Eyes burn. Mind unhinged... then everything again hits at once.
Awaken... Gasping. My body shakes with a forceful frightful tremble... Trapped in clothing damp with cold sweat clinging to pale clammy skin. Remembering every detail for the first few terrifying moments. Quick to repression these nightmares... the terror that replays every exhausting moment. I have long since sewn the seams of the story. Words hit tired, deafened ears and it does no longer provide relief. The wound looks healed but it was cut beyond the bone... it is silently marred, crooked and tormenting to everything in the area. A weak limp. Hides the searing pain laid across this chest.
I see you staring at me in such confusion. With those broken... never trusting eyes. Once in while, your beauty make me smile and I think for a moment that I may actually love you... but the image is cracked now, I see every flaw. I see the monster. I can't love that.
I do not have the wings to fly into the sun. So I continue to stare at this reflection.
Never changing to me. No desire for the faith of change.
Someday it will end...
If it were true that ends exist.
Nothing ever really ends does it?
Awaken... Gasping. My body shakes with a forceful frightful tremble... Trapped in clothing damp with cold sweat clinging to pale clammy skin. Remembering every detail for the first few terrifying moments. Quick to repression these nightmares... the terror that replays every exhausting moment. I have long since sewn the seams of the story. Words hit tired, deafened ears and it does no longer provide relief. The wound looks healed but it was cut beyond the bone... it is silently marred, crooked and tormenting to everything in the area. A weak limp. Hides the searing pain laid across this chest.
I see you staring at me in such confusion. With those broken... never trusting eyes. Once in while, your beauty make me smile and I think for a moment that I may actually love you... but the image is cracked now, I see every flaw. I see the monster. I can't love that.
I do not have the wings to fly into the sun. So I continue to stare at this reflection.
Never changing to me. No desire for the faith of change.
Someday it will end...
If it were true that ends exist.
Nothing ever really ends does it?
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Etymology Of A Dream
The words once meant something... the best of me wants to believe. Nothing I said wasn't the truth, whether or not it was cruelty or passion. Now, I am plagued by the personification of words swirled throughout the atmosphere of my dreams.
~~~
Stale air filled with whitened breath pulling heavily from my diaphragm, toes curled around steps ascending steeply. Tears streaming down, maps of terror and pain frozen by the wind against pale flesh. Chuckling under your heavy breathing, steps heavier and closer. Closing in on me. Warm light spilling over the ruins, contrasting the chill throughout her spine, as the room around cut a unceremonious memory-
Nearly empty room, two dressers, one once white now beaten with an obvious history of having been moved too many times and another a fake wood pattern smaller against the back wall. Next to a big window displaying a view of a nursery beyond the empty parking lot, adorned with the beauty of late spring laid out for people to purchase. Trellis alive with honeysuckle and ivy, weaved between young saplings and a ponds of koi and lilies. The room filled with warm fading light as the sun was setting. The bed simple mattress against the floor merely boxed in a frame of light wood. Several blankets and pillows created a nest of comfort surrounding two bodies cuddled against each other. Her head laid on his chest staring out the window with a hand resting on his thigh. He had his arm around her shoulder, filling her with the sense of protection and peace. So content, so pleasant... her favorite moments. Just laying with her lover in the silence. Before falling into a euphoric sleep she squeezed her hand lightly whispering, "I love you so much." as the light faded...
Flames melted away the greens of the nursery, all that was life was burning into ashes. Noxious gases warped the air. She pushed herself against the wall in the darkest corner, he was going to win... she tried to plan on how to defend herself. This wasn't how it was suppose to be. As if streamed from the flicker of a B horror film. The footsteps stopped at the door, heavy in their own shadows.
Everything went black. Air so viscus and dark, it filled her lungs and squeezed her throat. Not even her gasping breath could be heard.
"Stop trying to fight it, you know you want it, I know I am the only one you want!" the familiar voice spat. His strength held her down, nails biting flesh deeper with every pain filled movement. A once passion engulfed in the play of power. All he wanted was to manipulate and force all that he wanted until it no longer amused him. Soon her muscles couldn't even fight back under the pressure of his body. There was no escape, not even the most redeeming memories provided a release from the reality. An emanation of silent tears pulled pieces of her soul from her pleading eyes. Punishment for adoration and devotion... until her eyes were empty and there was only numbness.
Stripped bare and tied to a medical chair, her eyes stared at the ceiling. Skin glistening with bruises, blood and sweat. How much time had passed she didn't even fathom. Only flashes of horror filled the gaps of vacancy. On his terms. Every moment, when it was an entertainment to him. He'd pulled out chunks of her hair and left her to bleed. Poorly sutured wounds adorned her fair skin. Along her thighs, a slice... then would pull back the skin to reveal the muscle. Sometimes he'd cut a smaller wound, then he would insert his finger, wriggle it around between skin and the layers below... or worse.
Her eyes didn't wander when he entered the room, she made no movement. She'd been long since empty of emotion, anxiety and fear. How long had it been?
"I know the solution. We need to do some plastic surgery and then we can fix you. You were so worthless before. But since I have you, let's solve this problem." scalpel glistened in his hand, with needle and thread in the other. Her eyes locked on his, unblinking. Suddenly his hand lashed forward pressing hard against her forehead. There was a slice along the top of her eyes, then stitching then tightly, pulling them tighter together. "There we go, when you heal... this more ethnic look will be much more pleasing to look at. Then after you allow me to torture you some more. Then maybe you will be worthy of me and I will tolerate your affections...maybe." Running his hand softly down her body stopping at her navel... "But this won't do!" The scalpel quickly pierced her skin once again, he reaching inside her and pulled out a bloody fetus. "Oh, no no no. This can only happen on my terms. You cannot have this happiness... I didn't say you could." To this point she had been numb, the overwhelming emotion of hurt caused her to convulse but not even her eyes could cry anymore.
~~~
And my chest feels heavy and my heart breaks every day. I wake from these nightmares into another nightmare. I am so tired... I am running out of will. The words glisten like the scars of our past. Mixing the untold with the unknown with all that is left of me, fading fast.
~~~
Stale air filled with whitened breath pulling heavily from my diaphragm, toes curled around steps ascending steeply. Tears streaming down, maps of terror and pain frozen by the wind against pale flesh. Chuckling under your heavy breathing, steps heavier and closer. Closing in on me. Warm light spilling over the ruins, contrasting the chill throughout her spine, as the room around cut a unceremonious memory-
Nearly empty room, two dressers, one once white now beaten with an obvious history of having been moved too many times and another a fake wood pattern smaller against the back wall. Next to a big window displaying a view of a nursery beyond the empty parking lot, adorned with the beauty of late spring laid out for people to purchase. Trellis alive with honeysuckle and ivy, weaved between young saplings and a ponds of koi and lilies. The room filled with warm fading light as the sun was setting. The bed simple mattress against the floor merely boxed in a frame of light wood. Several blankets and pillows created a nest of comfort surrounding two bodies cuddled against each other. Her head laid on his chest staring out the window with a hand resting on his thigh. He had his arm around her shoulder, filling her with the sense of protection and peace. So content, so pleasant... her favorite moments. Just laying with her lover in the silence. Before falling into a euphoric sleep she squeezed her hand lightly whispering, "I love you so much." as the light faded...
Flames melted away the greens of the nursery, all that was life was burning into ashes. Noxious gases warped the air. She pushed herself against the wall in the darkest corner, he was going to win... she tried to plan on how to defend herself. This wasn't how it was suppose to be. As if streamed from the flicker of a B horror film. The footsteps stopped at the door, heavy in their own shadows.
Everything went black. Air so viscus and dark, it filled her lungs and squeezed her throat. Not even her gasping breath could be heard.
"Stop trying to fight it, you know you want it, I know I am the only one you want!" the familiar voice spat. His strength held her down, nails biting flesh deeper with every pain filled movement. A once passion engulfed in the play of power. All he wanted was to manipulate and force all that he wanted until it no longer amused him. Soon her muscles couldn't even fight back under the pressure of his body. There was no escape, not even the most redeeming memories provided a release from the reality. An emanation of silent tears pulled pieces of her soul from her pleading eyes. Punishment for adoration and devotion... until her eyes were empty and there was only numbness.
Stripped bare and tied to a medical chair, her eyes stared at the ceiling. Skin glistening with bruises, blood and sweat. How much time had passed she didn't even fathom. Only flashes of horror filled the gaps of vacancy. On his terms. Every moment, when it was an entertainment to him. He'd pulled out chunks of her hair and left her to bleed. Poorly sutured wounds adorned her fair skin. Along her thighs, a slice... then would pull back the skin to reveal the muscle. Sometimes he'd cut a smaller wound, then he would insert his finger, wriggle it around between skin and the layers below... or worse.
Her eyes didn't wander when he entered the room, she made no movement. She'd been long since empty of emotion, anxiety and fear. How long had it been?
"I know the solution. We need to do some plastic surgery and then we can fix you. You were so worthless before. But since I have you, let's solve this problem." scalpel glistened in his hand, with needle and thread in the other. Her eyes locked on his, unblinking. Suddenly his hand lashed forward pressing hard against her forehead. There was a slice along the top of her eyes, then stitching then tightly, pulling them tighter together. "There we go, when you heal... this more ethnic look will be much more pleasing to look at. Then after you allow me to torture you some more. Then maybe you will be worthy of me and I will tolerate your affections...maybe." Running his hand softly down her body stopping at her navel... "But this won't do!" The scalpel quickly pierced her skin once again, he reaching inside her and pulled out a bloody fetus. "Oh, no no no. This can only happen on my terms. You cannot have this happiness... I didn't say you could." To this point she had been numb, the overwhelming emotion of hurt caused her to convulse but not even her eyes could cry anymore.
~~~
And my chest feels heavy and my heart breaks every day. I wake from these nightmares into another nightmare. I am so tired... I am running out of will. The words glisten like the scars of our past. Mixing the untold with the unknown with all that is left of me, fading fast.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Fly
The heavy on my chest, taking my breath away. I am not going to say to you what is pumping through my veins. You already know. This weight. It is guilt. All I want to do is better myself so you can love me.
Thumb softly touches your temple while I gently place my knees to align my belly to yours. Fingers brush through your hair, down your nape, around your ear... cheek to cheek, breasts close enough for a tremble in my core. All I can whisper is, "I want you so much but you have to want me too." Lingering for just a moment before I pull away.
Everyday has made me stronger. I want everyday to make you stronger too. I am so sorry for letting myself become this monster. I just made it too way. We never want what we can have. Alas, I fucking refuse to give up.
Thumb softly touches your temple while I gently place my knees to align my belly to yours. Fingers brush through your hair, down your nape, around your ear... cheek to cheek, breasts close enough for a tremble in my core. All I can whisper is, "I want you so much but you have to want me too." Lingering for just a moment before I pull away.
Everyday has made me stronger. I want everyday to make you stronger too. I am so sorry for letting myself become this monster. I just made it too way. We never want what we can have. Alas, I fucking refuse to give up.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Un-Obtainable
There is a problem. I understand it now. I see what was missing, what is missing... was was missing. The thing we skipped. Then the thing there never was.
I have never been unobtainable to you. You have never had to fight for my affection or attention. It was too easy. Now, you will never want to fight for my affection. How does this get fixed without simply losing. How do I be unobtainable in a way that will not just get myself severed from you. I need to accept that I have to not want you until you want me.
This time I am not giving up. I am not giving into the temptation of self-destruction and brooding. To walk the line of doubt. If put into a situation that has you completely broken and you had a way to fix it, wouldn't you try. Giving this up is hard, trying to fix it is even harder. If there is a challenge to be had. This is it.
Being strong is the hardest thing to do.
I have never been unobtainable to you. You have never had to fight for my affection or attention. It was too easy. Now, you will never want to fight for my affection. How does this get fixed without simply losing. How do I be unobtainable in a way that will not just get myself severed from you. I need to accept that I have to not want you until you want me.
This time I am not giving up. I am not giving into the temptation of self-destruction and brooding. To walk the line of doubt. If put into a situation that has you completely broken and you had a way to fix it, wouldn't you try. Giving this up is hard, trying to fix it is even harder. If there is a challenge to be had. This is it.
Being strong is the hardest thing to do.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
...
The hurt... so much. I shake and cry, cry and shake... how can my utter love and devotion mean absolutely nothing. SO I will hurt and stew... I will try to understand and I will try to be strong. I want you, I liked my life with you.
You might be able to not pretend to care anymore but I can't pretend not to care about you. This one way mirror isn't as one dimensional as you perceive it to be.
You might be able to not pretend to care anymore but I can't pretend not to care about you. This one way mirror isn't as one dimensional as you perceive it to be.
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