Can You Hear Me?

I have this problem of simply thinking too much. And I am fairly sure it is a curse.

As soon as I even touch a bed my brain likes to go twice the speed. Thinking of everything and anything. A sudden burst of energy before I go to sleep.

Doesn't help that I have crazy stuff on my mind that I shouldn't let bother me at all.

However, I never knew how much one small thing can wear a person down. I have this tough outer shell that I hide all my problems and woe in. Yet... just that one little thing has sprung a leak and I feel myself slowly breaking down. My shell is thin and weak and full of cracks. Then... here soon I am just going to break. It is like water... soft but wears down mountains...

The water keeps running...

An ocean, from the depths of my soul.

Making sense of shattered dreams...

The most beautiful thing in existence is the universe itself.

The shimmering endless iridescence of the galaxies, swirling with stars and life. An array of the deepest purples of the aging sky and the brightest touch of daffodil. Blues of warmest clear oceans speckled with grains of glimmering onyx. The warm breath of clouds swim in the never ending sunrise.

Everything is so beautiful.

Except all that I touch... all that I breathe... it is never going to be the beauty that I see.

And with every fiber of my being I want to be that beauty...

Nobody can even feel this loss. I should be happy... it isn't like I am not cared for and all that was said it wasn't bad... I could be happy spending the rest of my life with you too...

But I am not that feeling inside, below your chest that takes your breath away, I am not that flutter that is almost doubtful because of how strong it is...

But... but... you do love me? And you are broken... that is what is going on. And it shouldn't hurt. I know you. You wouldn't hurt me, you want me to be happy... all the things you said. That there is nothing wrong with me. That I am...

But... I am not that shining star that you long for. You are my star... everything is brighter because of you. Things are falling into place after falling so scattered. And all I want is to be loved by you like that... so many before... not to one was I the only one. Their world. You are my world... I want to be yours too... why do I have to be the lucky one... aren't you lucky too...? No, there is nothing I can do to fix it or even need to do to change myself. It isn't my fault... and you are broken.

Everything you said. You told me that this was the worst thing you could do to me.

Not love me back...

And it hurts so bad...

You aren't 'in love' with me.

Everything you said. It wasn't bad? It wasn't good. It answered my question and in turn created an enigma...

And it hurt so bad... everything. And I want to not feel this way. I want things to be beautiful.

Why can't things be beautiful for me.

Ashes to ashes... Dust to dust...
Everything I touch turns into rust.
Please lay this pain to rest.
Can you feel me broken beneath my breast?
I savor every word and touch
because I love you too much.
And all I can do is hope and pray...
that you will love me too... someday.

Maybe you will wake up one day and realize... but something that isn't going to be there... is it ever going to be there? I just wish you could feel how much my heart hurts. It is like... for all I put into everything... and anything... I am allowed nothing in return... and I should have realized that I am not allowed to be happy. Haven't I learned my lesson yet? I am not allowed to be happy.

I want to touch the stars...
and see the ripples of my ugly life fade away.

Why is there so much pain in my existence?

"Holding close my secrets, naked broken pieces.
Since no one else belongs here with me."

Darling I Forgive You After All

Lately my mind has been reeling with so much all at once. I have noticed something about myself. I want so much to interact and talk to people but try so hard to avoid everyone. I decided to do something that really makes no sense. To be mad at the people I miss rather than miss them.

Also I don't think I have done proper justice to a particular relationship I had. A someone that for so long I had eyeballed and never thought I could grasp. Just barely out of my reach. Then suddenly through digital words we began to speak, thanks to my mother. Suddenly I met him as an actual introduction. I have never met someone who could just steal their way so quick into my life. The problem... do I love to easily for fear of not having love?

This guy, so like me and so not. So like everyone I have dated and so not. I wanted him so bad that I abandoned my other boyfriend (we were doomed actually) just so I could be with him. I wanted always to be close to him. I let him live with me no questions asked. I would never ask for more than what he gave even though it would have helped. The only real problem was simply the fact that he was married... Although he said they weren't together... it always seemed like they were plenty together... which isn't fair to me. I didn't mind he has a kid. I love kids. I want one/some eventually. However, because his wife never knew about me... I had to take a back seat in life. Which is understandable when it came to his daughter but i never understood the wife thing... except she uses his kid as a pawn to stab him when he is down and use as a pawn (I feel bad for both him and his daughter in this matter.) So was I a mistress? I never understood. If I was or not. It seemed like I was never part of his life only the "other" life. Then he left without warning. In a similar matter as the boy before who broke my heart.

Now, this shook me up fairly bad... considering that it was his wife's best friend that told me he was leaving before he even got a chance to tell me. And like that... he was gone. I wasn't the happiest about the whole situation and was so very very confused. Here one second... gone the next. It hurt more than I think he knew. Now I could go on and point fingers and play the blame game. But that is how a relationship is destroyed. Any relationship. My friend advised me that everything was going to be alright. That this wouldn't do any harm. He said it was going to make things better too. I wanted to think that. But I had the dooming feeling... even through as much as I wanted to be with him. I would pretend to be asleep when he got home just so he would come give me kisses and I could 'wake-up' and everything would be perfect... if even only for a moment. I did truly feel happy with him around. And never seeing him after I left had more of an impact on me than I think I knew. Not to mention my partial dying with illness and such. So the tune played on. We were still together. I saw him for 10 minutes when he picked up some mail one day then didn't see him again for over a month and haven't actually seen him since. He was hospitalized and in jail and I didn't know about any of this or that he was alive and okay. I still worry and wonder and hope to whatever it is I hope in that he is happy and healthy. Even though I still don't know what is going on inside his head. I still wonder... I will always care... I will always wonder... and I will always be here for him no matter what. Life continues whether anybody wants it to or not.

So life did continue. And I did meet another person... someone who randomly appeared into my life and was there for me when frankly, he could not. Now love has a funny way of working no matter what its potency is. I have my love now but thinking on the past... "It is like climbing a staircase in the dark and you reach the top and take and extra step that doesn't exist"... and you have that falling feeling... an empty fuzzy space where the phantom step should have been. That is how my heart feels. There is a space in there for him. I think of him, I talk to him, I check up on him and secretly send him good wishes that he may not even know exist...that little hallow of my heart fills with an empty fuzz. No it didn't work out. Yes, I will always love him, but life needs to go on. Even if it means pain and sorrow...

I had a dream about him last night... he was standing in this deserted street. Buildings around him old and decrypted, torn by dust and shadowy sorrows. Ghosts lurked around every corner, watching his every move. I walked toward him, from my side of the road, that mirrored his but the houses where merely mists engulfed in dead branches of trees long since green. My phantoms crawling along my feet, bare and following the cracks in the graying asphalt. And we met in the middle... our demons pressed against the ground becoming nothing more than warm wind engulfing us as I reached out to him and pressed my palm to the back of his head and pulled his cheek to mine. The ice of my face melted from his warmth, as I whispered into his ear, "Everything is going to be fine..." He breathed in deep as one hand found rest on my shoulder blade and the other entwined in my hair at the back of my skull. He let out a soft smiling sigh and breathed in deep again, this time saying, "I finally know that... I finally know that everything will be fine... and it is starting now..." Then there was a loud whirling blast and a strong wind blew me down onto the ground, my head smacked back hard against the road, I could see our ghosts spinning into a black vortex and he was pulled backward slowly but suddenly, his head lashed forward and back again. As if his skin was plastic it began to melt off like paint chips from an old wall but it wasn't hurting him. It was like an outer shell, all the bad fell away and what was left was a new skin. A whole person hiding underneath demons and strife. He continued to be pulled back into the vortex but now he was smiling and he reached his hand out to mine. Our fingertips touched and cracks of light ran along my hand but reach no further than my elbow. As if this was the last moment of his life he softly said, "Everyone one else is fine... now it is your turn. Do not forget." Then another pulse of wind and light cracked my head back again in pain and I woke up.

Symbolism... I think so. It all makes sense, to me. It will all make sense to him. This is all for him. And like my dream... everything will be fine. I believe that now for him. Things are changing. Things that are going to be difficult I am sure. But things that need to happen. Things I wanted to help him achieve so much. My biggest desire is for him to be happy. With or without, me, or my help. I know there is a strong, sane person behind his eyes. And as much as I want to wrap him in my arms... things may be better this way. From a distance. But closer than either of us know. Nothing but you... we share a unique connection in our soul.

These words may fade away.
Our voices may fade away.
Life fades away.
But somethings will never fade.

--Paulina