Doesn't Make Sense...

"The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised."

Pixels glaring, mocking me as usual. Like words in digital fashion are not as paining as the ones leaking from your lying lips. You don't want to hurt me anymore. You are done lying to me... now that the knife is already deep in my chest you want to yank it out quickly. Pretend the bleeding is going to stop by itself. I will stitch it up myself, but all you will do is run the blade down the stitches softly popping each one again. Your not going to put the blade back in... the damage is already done. Finish the job. Pretending to care only make it burn more.

Everything I hold in my hands crumbles, I whimper and grasp but wind blows it out between my fingers. Clutching chest, beating in my ears... humming saddest love song. Hair sticking to face, staring through the dark, glaring. Pain. Only pain. Can you feel the heat. It hurts so much because it meant so much. The more you love the more it hurts... when you learn the love was a lie.

To give me all your love is all I ever asked.

Cryptic Message

He said, "I will hate the man you choose because he is not me, but love him if he makes you smile."

In my heart I wish this was about me... maybe it is. It is probably just there to mess with my poor bleeding heart.

Grenade Lyrics...

Easy come, easy go,
That's just how you live, oh,
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give.
Should've known you was trouble
From the first kiss,
Had your eyes wide open.
Why were they open?

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash,
You tossed it in the trash, you did.
To give me all your love is all I ever asked, 'cause
What you don't understand is

I'd catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah)
I'd jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah)
Oh, oh, I would go through all of this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain!
Yes, I would die for ya, baby,
But you won't do the same.

No, no no

Black, black, black and blue, beat me 'til I'm numb,
Tell the devil I said "hey" when you get back to where you're from.
Mad (man), bad (man), that's just what you are,
Yeah, you'll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash,
You tossed it in the trash, yes you did.
To give me all your love is all I ever asked, 'cause
What you don't understand is

I'd catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah)
I'd jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah)
Oh, oh, I would go through all of this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain!
Yes, I would die for ya, baby,
But you won't do the same.

If my body was on fire,
Ooh, you'd watch me burn down in flames.
You said you loved me, you're a liar, 'cause you never, ever, EVER did, baby!
But, darling

I'd still catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah)
I'd jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah)
Oh, oh, I would go through all of this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain.
Yes, I would die for ya, baby,
But you won't do the same.

No, you won't do the same
You wouldn't do the same
Ooh, you'd never do the same
Ohh, no no no

Ratio of Pain...

I closed my eyes, I saw you there, smiling. You beckoned me to you. A hand reached out for mine... at first I thought my hand would pass through yours leaving nothing but a chill. Except this time, I clasped your hand. Your warm fingers wrapped around mine gently. For an intoxicating moment we posed in dance, your hands protecting mine, sealed with a kiss. A loosened grip fills me with dread, not wanting to let go... I don't want you to vanish. Arms pull quickly to embrace, rescuing me from the swelling void clawing at my ankles. Rose shade cheek pulses with your every heartbeat, beating into the sweetest lullaby, safe. Palms trace down spine until entwined to pull tight chest to breast. So safe. Scent soothing any knowledge of the terror creeping around. Moments seem like lifetimes until the demon takes hold.

Which demon strikes first?

Painted red roses pattern beastly claws, as the picture pools and drips into obscurity. Can't breath... my heart isn't beating in my chest, it is gone. Can't move. Fingernails cracked decorated in violet repel, attached to petrified groping hands, empty, broken. Covered in hypocrisy and greed. A shadow-master puppets body into mocking ecstasy arch... limits reached, bones made of heaviest steel are forced pushed into resting stance suddenly... As the master repeats the movement in painful rhythmic heartbeat. Ruby showers, humming tunes of betrayal and deceit.

I hear your voice. Are you laughing?

Soul sketches my body like fluid liquid womb... vibrant glow slowly fades. Ripples attached to the threads of existence being pulled by raging tailor. Can't move. Tears masked by scarlet dew infuse into sea of garnet. So cold. Heart beating in unreachable darkness...

Wake... screaming... cold sweat...

Alone.

Lucid Nightmare...

It is if I can feel every molecule in my body. Each one in pain. My lungs have compressed only allowing the most vital air to squeeze in. The ribs shaping my body are all daggers pulling in tighter. A pair of hands pull each thread attached to my being. Inflicting cruel torment, the only think that feels at all. Empty... I want to feel again.Only his touch can create my life spark.

I see past all the cruelty. I still believe the best. It is foolish. Why can't people be happy with what they have? I realize my mistakes now. *Deep breath* Be careful what you wish for.

The problem with taking a shot in the dark... failure is more then likely.

I just wish I didn't feel like this. Why can't he love me? The only person in the world I want, doesn't want me. Devoted before and suddenly... void. Human nature is really this cruel. So much devotion for me. My all is worth nothing?

The hero of my life was a villain all along. What ungodly thing did I do to deserve to have nothing? All I have to give, I have given... even when I pushed away. I want to claw my chest open to see if there is something wrong with my soul. Pull out my heart and leave it at his feet. It will still mean nothing in the end.

Good things come to those who wait? Right. I waited so long for love. The best thing in my life has become the worse. But I still hang on to the childish notion that everything is still going to be just fine. This is just another nightmare and suddenly I am going to defeat the big bad guy. The zombies are swarming me but my love is alive out there. I will survive with my sword and gun. The sweat rolls down my face slowly, counting the seconds until I have to make my move. Everything is silent and every muscle is prepared to strike. My eyes are close, while everything is in perfect focus. Even the smell of rotting flesh acts as fuel. Fire pumps through every vein at an increasing velocity as time begins to catch up from where it left me. Open eyes: Everything swirls into nothingness and where I am is the same shade of darkness that pulls me into sleep.

The ratio of inner pain verses outer pain too unbalanced. My skin is going to crack and all the sorrow in side is going to drip out. I can't hold it in. Can't breath, can't feel and can't think. Blinded with confusion. Choked with frustration. Sounds of silent pounding disbelief. Collapse on the ground. Nothing is real. Everything is hyper-real and for just a second in the emotional intensity is a release. Before it all comes crashing down again. I wish it was as easy as closing my eyes and letting meditation take me away. It is never going to happen.

I know Owen is my soul-mate.

Someone wake me up from this nightmare.