I can't control it... everything I do reminds me of you. I am delusional and know it isn't going to work but I want you to be with me or miserable forever.
Hate this. So much hurt. And for nothing.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Where Am I Going?
Trying to be happy because there are things to be happy about... isn't there?
People aren’t like they are in stories. They hurt each other without meaning to. They are kind and unbelievably cruel at the same moment. Like me, now. The first thing to understand, is that I never meant to end up here. And yet I did, twice. The first time, I was early. The second time, I was late.
I officially have one regret.
People aren’t like they are in stories. They hurt each other without meaning to. They are kind and unbelievably cruel at the same moment. Like me, now. The first thing to understand, is that I never meant to end up here. And yet I did, twice. The first time, I was early. The second time, I was late.
I officially have one regret.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Dear You,
What do you want me to say?
I watch and listen. But my words are still whispers in all the ears that pretend to listen.
I heard every word when you guys were yelling at each other. Such functional dysfunction, you think. It is poison, but if you can live with it... don't give me advice that you don't know how to rightly utilize. Every word you said to them was true... every word bounced around for a moment... It didn't stick. A pout, a tear and a soft hand stroke to make you not push what you mean further into the truth they need to come to terms with. There are so many false smiling faces but they are slowly peeling away. I am done wearing this mask. My soul hurts enough already.
As the only other human I have any true affection for right now. I hate to see you be hurt, even when you chose to ignore it and I want to always have you but never will. I cannot live with this dysfunction anymore. I cannot solve your problems anymore then I can solve mine. And while this house is under tyranny everything is always going to be about them. This is the time in my life I need things to be about me for once. Things are broken here and things are broken there... again... I can't fix the broken here. I can't continue to bend my will to fit, twist my face with scars of lies. Pretend to know how I am feeling... all of you. It isn't something shared. It is my burden alone to carry.
We are not going to see each other again. So... lets just pretend we are going to see each other tomorrow, just for pretend.
--Me
I watch and listen. But my words are still whispers in all the ears that pretend to listen.
I heard every word when you guys were yelling at each other. Such functional dysfunction, you think. It is poison, but if you can live with it... don't give me advice that you don't know how to rightly utilize. Every word you said to them was true... every word bounced around for a moment... It didn't stick. A pout, a tear and a soft hand stroke to make you not push what you mean further into the truth they need to come to terms with. There are so many false smiling faces but they are slowly peeling away. I am done wearing this mask. My soul hurts enough already.
As the only other human I have any true affection for right now. I hate to see you be hurt, even when you chose to ignore it and I want to always have you but never will. I cannot live with this dysfunction anymore. I cannot solve your problems anymore then I can solve mine. And while this house is under tyranny everything is always going to be about them. This is the time in my life I need things to be about me for once. Things are broken here and things are broken there... again... I can't fix the broken here. I can't continue to bend my will to fit, twist my face with scars of lies. Pretend to know how I am feeling... all of you. It isn't something shared. It is my burden alone to carry.
We are not going to see each other again. So... lets just pretend we are going to see each other tomorrow, just for pretend.
--Me
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Doesn't Make Sense...
"The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised."
Pixels glaring, mocking me as usual. Like words in digital fashion are not as paining as the ones leaking from your lying lips. You don't want to hurt me anymore. You are done lying to me... now that the knife is already deep in my chest you want to yank it out quickly. Pretend the bleeding is going to stop by itself. I will stitch it up myself, but all you will do is run the blade down the stitches softly popping each one again. Your not going to put the blade back in... the damage is already done. Finish the job. Pretending to care only make it burn more.
Everything I hold in my hands crumbles, I whimper and grasp but wind blows it out between my fingers. Clutching chest, beating in my ears... humming saddest love song. Hair sticking to face, staring through the dark, glaring. Pain. Only pain. Can you feel the heat. It hurts so much because it meant so much. The more you love the more it hurts... when you learn the love was a lie.
To give me all your love is all I ever asked.
Pixels glaring, mocking me as usual. Like words in digital fashion are not as paining as the ones leaking from your lying lips. You don't want to hurt me anymore. You are done lying to me... now that the knife is already deep in my chest you want to yank it out quickly. Pretend the bleeding is going to stop by itself. I will stitch it up myself, but all you will do is run the blade down the stitches softly popping each one again. Your not going to put the blade back in... the damage is already done. Finish the job. Pretending to care only make it burn more.
Everything I hold in my hands crumbles, I whimper and grasp but wind blows it out between my fingers. Clutching chest, beating in my ears... humming saddest love song. Hair sticking to face, staring through the dark, glaring. Pain. Only pain. Can you feel the heat. It hurts so much because it meant so much. The more you love the more it hurts... when you learn the love was a lie.
To give me all your love is all I ever asked.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Cryptic Message
He said, "I will hate the man you choose because he is not me, but love him if he makes you smile."
In my heart I wish this was about me... maybe it is. It is probably just there to mess with my poor bleeding heart.
In my heart I wish this was about me... maybe it is. It is probably just there to mess with my poor bleeding heart.
Grenade Lyrics...
Easy come, easy go,
That's just how you live, oh,
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give.
Should've known you was trouble
From the first kiss,
Had your eyes wide open.
Why were they open?
Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash,
You tossed it in the trash, you did.
To give me all your love is all I ever asked, 'cause
What you don't understand is
I'd catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah)
I'd jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah)
Oh, oh, I would go through all of this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain!
Yes, I would die for ya, baby,
But you won't do the same.
No, no no
Black, black, black and blue, beat me 'til I'm numb,
Tell the devil I said "hey" when you get back to where you're from.
Mad (man), bad (man), that's just what you are,
Yeah, you'll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car
Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash,
You tossed it in the trash, yes you did.
To give me all your love is all I ever asked, 'cause
What you don't understand is
I'd catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah)
I'd jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah)
Oh, oh, I would go through all of this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain!
Yes, I would die for ya, baby,
But you won't do the same.
If my body was on fire,
Ooh, you'd watch me burn down in flames.
You said you loved me, you're a liar, 'cause you never, ever, EVER did, baby!
But, darling
I'd still catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah)
I'd jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah)
Oh, oh, I would go through all of this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain.
Yes, I would die for ya, baby,
But you won't do the same.
No, you won't do the same
You wouldn't do the same
Ooh, you'd never do the same
Ohh, no no no
That's just how you live, oh,
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give.
Should've known you was trouble
From the first kiss,
Had your eyes wide open.
Why were they open?
Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash,
You tossed it in the trash, you did.
To give me all your love is all I ever asked, 'cause
What you don't understand is
I'd catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah)
I'd jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah)
Oh, oh, I would go through all of this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain!
Yes, I would die for ya, baby,
But you won't do the same.
No, no no
Black, black, black and blue, beat me 'til I'm numb,
Tell the devil I said "hey" when you get back to where you're from.
Mad (man), bad (man), that's just what you are,
Yeah, you'll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car
Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash,
You tossed it in the trash, yes you did.
To give me all your love is all I ever asked, 'cause
What you don't understand is
I'd catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah)
I'd jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah)
Oh, oh, I would go through all of this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain!
Yes, I would die for ya, baby,
But you won't do the same.
If my body was on fire,
Ooh, you'd watch me burn down in flames.
You said you loved me, you're a liar, 'cause you never, ever, EVER did, baby!
But, darling
I'd still catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah)
I'd jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah)
Oh, oh, I would go through all of this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain.
Yes, I would die for ya, baby,
But you won't do the same.
No, you won't do the same
You wouldn't do the same
Ooh, you'd never do the same
Ohh, no no no
Monday, November 8, 2010
Ratio of Pain...
I closed my eyes, I saw you there, smiling. You beckoned me to you. A hand reached out for mine... at first I thought my hand would pass through yours leaving nothing but a chill. Except this time, I clasped your hand. Your warm fingers wrapped around mine gently. For an intoxicating moment we posed in dance, your hands protecting mine, sealed with a kiss. A loosened grip fills me with dread, not wanting to let go... I don't want you to vanish. Arms pull quickly to embrace, rescuing me from the swelling void clawing at my ankles. Rose shade cheek pulses with your every heartbeat, beating into the sweetest lullaby, safe. Palms trace down spine until entwined to pull tight chest to breast. So safe. Scent soothing any knowledge of the terror creeping around. Moments seem like lifetimes until the demon takes hold.
Which demon strikes first?
Painted red roses pattern beastly claws, as the picture pools and drips into obscurity. Can't breath... my heart isn't beating in my chest, it is gone. Can't move. Fingernails cracked decorated in violet repel, attached to petrified groping hands, empty, broken. Covered in hypocrisy and greed. A shadow-master puppets body into mocking ecstasy arch... limits reached, bones made of heaviest steel are forced pushed into resting stance suddenly... As the master repeats the movement in painful rhythmic heartbeat. Ruby showers, humming tunes of betrayal and deceit.
I hear your voice. Are you laughing?
Soul sketches my body like fluid liquid womb... vibrant glow slowly fades. Ripples attached to the threads of existence being pulled by raging tailor. Can't move. Tears masked by scarlet dew infuse into sea of garnet. So cold. Heart beating in unreachable darkness...
Wake... screaming... cold sweat...
Alone.
Which demon strikes first?
Painted red roses pattern beastly claws, as the picture pools and drips into obscurity. Can't breath... my heart isn't beating in my chest, it is gone. Can't move. Fingernails cracked decorated in violet repel, attached to petrified groping hands, empty, broken. Covered in hypocrisy and greed. A shadow-master puppets body into mocking ecstasy arch... limits reached, bones made of heaviest steel are forced pushed into resting stance suddenly... As the master repeats the movement in painful rhythmic heartbeat. Ruby showers, humming tunes of betrayal and deceit.
I hear your voice. Are you laughing?
Soul sketches my body like fluid liquid womb... vibrant glow slowly fades. Ripples attached to the threads of existence being pulled by raging tailor. Can't move. Tears masked by scarlet dew infuse into sea of garnet. So cold. Heart beating in unreachable darkness...
Wake... screaming... cold sweat...
Alone.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Lucid Nightmare...
It is if I can feel every molecule in my body. Each one in pain. My lungs have compressed only allowing the most vital air to squeeze in. The ribs shaping my body are all daggers pulling in tighter. A pair of hands pull each thread attached to my being. Inflicting cruel torment, the only think that feels at all. Empty... I want to feel again.Only his touch can create my life spark.
I see past all the cruelty. I still believe the best. It is foolish. Why can't people be happy with what they have? I realize my mistakes now. *Deep breath* Be careful what you wish for.
The problem with taking a shot in the dark... failure is more then likely.
I just wish I didn't feel like this. Why can't he love me? The only person in the world I want, doesn't want me. Devoted before and suddenly... void. Human nature is really this cruel. So much devotion for me. My all is worth nothing?
The hero of my life was a villain all along. What ungodly thing did I do to deserve to have nothing? All I have to give, I have given... even when I pushed away. I want to claw my chest open to see if there is something wrong with my soul. Pull out my heart and leave it at his feet. It will still mean nothing in the end.
Good things come to those who wait? Right. I waited so long for love. The best thing in my life has become the worse. But I still hang on to the childish notion that everything is still going to be just fine. This is just another nightmare and suddenly I am going to defeat the big bad guy. The zombies are swarming me but my love is alive out there. I will survive with my sword and gun. The sweat rolls down my face slowly, counting the seconds until I have to make my move. Everything is silent and every muscle is prepared to strike. My eyes are close, while everything is in perfect focus. Even the smell of rotting flesh acts as fuel. Fire pumps through every vein at an increasing velocity as time begins to catch up from where it left me. Open eyes: Everything swirls into nothingness and where I am is the same shade of darkness that pulls me into sleep.
The ratio of inner pain verses outer pain too unbalanced. My skin is going to crack and all the sorrow in side is going to drip out. I can't hold it in. Can't breath, can't feel and can't think. Blinded with confusion. Choked with frustration. Sounds of silent pounding disbelief. Collapse on the ground. Nothing is real. Everything is hyper-real and for just a second in the emotional intensity is a release. Before it all comes crashing down again. I wish it was as easy as closing my eyes and letting meditation take me away. It is never going to happen.
I know Owen is my soul-mate.
Someone wake me up from this nightmare.
I see past all the cruelty. I still believe the best. It is foolish. Why can't people be happy with what they have? I realize my mistakes now. *Deep breath* Be careful what you wish for.
The problem with taking a shot in the dark... failure is more then likely.
I just wish I didn't feel like this. Why can't he love me? The only person in the world I want, doesn't want me. Devoted before and suddenly... void. Human nature is really this cruel. So much devotion for me. My all is worth nothing?
The hero of my life was a villain all along. What ungodly thing did I do to deserve to have nothing? All I have to give, I have given... even when I pushed away. I want to claw my chest open to see if there is something wrong with my soul. Pull out my heart and leave it at his feet. It will still mean nothing in the end.
Good things come to those who wait? Right. I waited so long for love. The best thing in my life has become the worse. But I still hang on to the childish notion that everything is still going to be just fine. This is just another nightmare and suddenly I am going to defeat the big bad guy. The zombies are swarming me but my love is alive out there. I will survive with my sword and gun. The sweat rolls down my face slowly, counting the seconds until I have to make my move. Everything is silent and every muscle is prepared to strike. My eyes are close, while everything is in perfect focus. Even the smell of rotting flesh acts as fuel. Fire pumps through every vein at an increasing velocity as time begins to catch up from where it left me. Open eyes: Everything swirls into nothingness and where I am is the same shade of darkness that pulls me into sleep.
The ratio of inner pain verses outer pain too unbalanced. My skin is going to crack and all the sorrow in side is going to drip out. I can't hold it in. Can't breath, can't feel and can't think. Blinded with confusion. Choked with frustration. Sounds of silent pounding disbelief. Collapse on the ground. Nothing is real. Everything is hyper-real and for just a second in the emotional intensity is a release. Before it all comes crashing down again. I wish it was as easy as closing my eyes and letting meditation take me away. It is never going to happen.
I know Owen is my soul-mate.
Someone wake me up from this nightmare.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Silence
Demons puppeteer skeletons in the closet
Whispering secrets into the suffocating air,
Conducting a mockery of human etiquette.
A pleasure powered, blood boiling nightmare.
Secrets whispering into the suffocating air,
No escaping empty omniscient eyes behind glass walls
Of a pleasure powered, blood boiling nightmare,
Stealing all hope from soundless crying calls.
No escaping empty omniscient eyes behind glass walls...
Never ending tears remain invisible in the pouring rain,
Stealing all hope from soundless crying calls.
Fingernails dig into flesh void from unpredictable pain.
Never ending tears remain invisible in the pouring rain,
Painted faces melting away, vulnerabilities revealed.
Fingernails dig into flesh void from unpredictable pain,
Scarlet letters warning of apocalypse concealed.
Painted faces melting away, vulnerabilities revealed.
Demons puppeteer skeletons in the closet,
Scarlet letters warning of apocalypse concealed,
Conducting a mockery of human etiquette.
Whispering secrets into the suffocating air,
Conducting a mockery of human etiquette.
A pleasure powered, blood boiling nightmare.
Secrets whispering into the suffocating air,
No escaping empty omniscient eyes behind glass walls
Of a pleasure powered, blood boiling nightmare,
Stealing all hope from soundless crying calls.
No escaping empty omniscient eyes behind glass walls...
Never ending tears remain invisible in the pouring rain,
Stealing all hope from soundless crying calls.
Fingernails dig into flesh void from unpredictable pain.
Never ending tears remain invisible in the pouring rain,
Painted faces melting away, vulnerabilities revealed.
Fingernails dig into flesh void from unpredictable pain,
Scarlet letters warning of apocalypse concealed.
Painted faces melting away, vulnerabilities revealed.
Demons puppeteer skeletons in the closet,
Scarlet letters warning of apocalypse concealed,
Conducting a mockery of human etiquette.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Some Are Born To Sing The Blues...
What is to become of me? I don't see anything anymore. It is all some blur, distorting itself more as I attempt to make out the picture.
Perhaps that is how life is suppose to progress for me? Not knowing a damn thing. I don't think I enjoy my life floating by at a low opacity.
All I do anymore is daydream of things I could have had, things I want to try... people I want to taste. Words I want to slip from my lips. Violent forces between me and the anger that swells in my chest. Strange, exotic... different. The same thing day in and out is killing me. I don't want to sit here in an imaginary world. It is turning me into a monster, slowly creating a gnarly, knotted legend the children of the town whisper under their blanket tents. Describing a beautiful princess who was cursed one day then turned into a wicked witch who eats people who trespass in her yard. The sad part, most of these monsters are lonely people who have rot from inside out... is that what I am going to become? I feel my bones ache with sadness... but do I create it...? Classic "grass is greener."
I want to taste the sweat of a labor new, and inhale the sweet sounds of admiration. No amount of pain, masks the pain... I can't do it all alone. I can't dodge oncoming traffic forever... one day I am going to slip. What happens when I don't care anymore... just give up on ever amounting to anything... just give up on the few dreams I hold dear? I don't think my life is going to be as long and painless as most people... It makes my soul ache so. To be so young and hurt so much.
Maybe I just need to let it all go... how I do in my dreams. Uncontrollable sobbing that chokes my every word. I can't breath and I can't speak. Spastic gasping and words so drowned all I can do is bury my face. How can such heartache carry over from subconscious to reality? So strange, I am, I hear those whispers... someone watching me... whoever is watching is laughing. Nice trick you pulled there, imaginary friend watching over me, almost had me fooled. My life isn't empty without you... another middle aged white man to entrust my future too... no thanks. There are plenty of those I can prove exist. I have myself. I have what is floating in my odd little head.
I want everything, but carry the weight of everything on my shoulders, someday I will collapse finally. Will I survive it. Or slowly die as I gasp for air?
Or do I create it? Perhaps somewhere in there I like my misery. Isn't that human?
I just want to be the one taken care of... that is all I have wanted. I have been the one to carry everyone across their rapid rivers. I don't know how much longer I can keep this strength up. It isn't my head... it isn't my body... no synthetic chemical can fix this... I am worn to the bone and all I want is the same in return.
This knot in my chest... this ache in my brain... I just want a rest. I just want to be going somewhere... wandering the darkness is just so... cliche. Who the fuck decided my life had to be fucked?
I just wish I had the desire, strength and willpower to do something about it. Fucking glass being half empty... Fucking mask... Fucking immune system... fucking money... fucking life...
I will just continue to dream? But really... "who is that girl I see? Why is my reflection someone I don't know?" Really... I have broken my own heart by giving up.
v-v
Perhaps that is how life is suppose to progress for me? Not knowing a damn thing. I don't think I enjoy my life floating by at a low opacity.
All I do anymore is daydream of things I could have had, things I want to try... people I want to taste. Words I want to slip from my lips. Violent forces between me and the anger that swells in my chest. Strange, exotic... different. The same thing day in and out is killing me. I don't want to sit here in an imaginary world. It is turning me into a monster, slowly creating a gnarly, knotted legend the children of the town whisper under their blanket tents. Describing a beautiful princess who was cursed one day then turned into a wicked witch who eats people who trespass in her yard. The sad part, most of these monsters are lonely people who have rot from inside out... is that what I am going to become? I feel my bones ache with sadness... but do I create it...? Classic "grass is greener."
I want to taste the sweat of a labor new, and inhale the sweet sounds of admiration. No amount of pain, masks the pain... I can't do it all alone. I can't dodge oncoming traffic forever... one day I am going to slip. What happens when I don't care anymore... just give up on ever amounting to anything... just give up on the few dreams I hold dear? I don't think my life is going to be as long and painless as most people... It makes my soul ache so. To be so young and hurt so much.
Maybe I just need to let it all go... how I do in my dreams. Uncontrollable sobbing that chokes my every word. I can't breath and I can't speak. Spastic gasping and words so drowned all I can do is bury my face. How can such heartache carry over from subconscious to reality? So strange, I am, I hear those whispers... someone watching me... whoever is watching is laughing. Nice trick you pulled there, imaginary friend watching over me, almost had me fooled. My life isn't empty without you... another middle aged white man to entrust my future too... no thanks. There are plenty of those I can prove exist. I have myself. I have what is floating in my odd little head.
I want everything, but carry the weight of everything on my shoulders, someday I will collapse finally. Will I survive it. Or slowly die as I gasp for air?
Or do I create it? Perhaps somewhere in there I like my misery. Isn't that human?
I just want to be the one taken care of... that is all I have wanted. I have been the one to carry everyone across their rapid rivers. I don't know how much longer I can keep this strength up. It isn't my head... it isn't my body... no synthetic chemical can fix this... I am worn to the bone and all I want is the same in return.
This knot in my chest... this ache in my brain... I just want a rest. I just want to be going somewhere... wandering the darkness is just so... cliche. Who the fuck decided my life had to be fucked?
I just wish I had the desire, strength and willpower to do something about it. Fucking glass being half empty... Fucking mask... Fucking immune system... fucking money... fucking life...
I will just continue to dream? But really... "who is that girl I see? Why is my reflection someone I don't know?" Really... I have broken my own heart by giving up.
v-v
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Can I Feel Anything At All?
Floating in the dust of my dreams is a shadow that guides me. It is not entity or being, merely essence. The very fabric of its soul is a diamond fog that, when touched ripples an echo of golden coins upon a gypsy's hip.
The jingle carries on past ear and worn smile. Things are better now... one would hope... A joining of souls to make one stronger has successfully entered the rings of gold. A love built up from alternative motives creates the foundation of the only stable structure of my life. Is this house built on mud or mountain?
So many whispers linger, murmurs, fragments of words lost from a world with moments of speechless. Moments of silence... from moments of sorrow. So rare has my mouth been still for an occurrence that warms the heart instead of shattering it. When will my breath be stolen by an act so overwhelmingly selfless and romantic. It takes acquired mind to taste this wine. My life, breathing in the warm breath, salty springs split open my mind. I've tried so hard and now... I run? I can't see... the walls are worn and cold... I've been here before, I can feel the shallow path.
I am going nowhere and nowhere is following me. Mocking is simple and stupid as such but it breaks me. I think I need the darkness to survive... everything plays like a symphony and sounds like a dream. Everything I touch needs it's own note, so I can
create angelic music. Put these worries and fears to sleep. Mortality is the half of the dream in which we bleed, we know what it is like to be dead already... forget that one powerful being. It is nothing but a dream. Sometimes the dreamer is aware... those are the best. When you can control the circumstances. A dead boy told me once that people shouldn't be so scared...
The frigid warmth and searing chill, do you feel it up your spine? Body relaxing, a force field of a tingly sense of gravity giving you s sense of freedom. Limbs of emptiness, heavy vision. Do you hear the music?
A babble of metaphors... to make me feel like I am anything at all. Dark words on light parchment... does not put the sensation back. Nothingness and everything mixed together makes my glass half empty until it is half full again.
I guess I am under the weather... since no one belongs here with me.
I wonder, I wonder.
I worry too much and care to little. A new fashion of apathy pumps through my veins. One slip of the tongue and it will crumble. One slip of will power and it will crumble. There is more int he world I need to explore. Surely it isn't my destiny to sit here and slowly rot away.
For now I play in the dark with my mind, narrating every action, curious if I can feel anything at all.
The jingle carries on past ear and worn smile. Things are better now... one would hope... A joining of souls to make one stronger has successfully entered the rings of gold. A love built up from alternative motives creates the foundation of the only stable structure of my life. Is this house built on mud or mountain?
So many whispers linger, murmurs, fragments of words lost from a world with moments of speechless. Moments of silence... from moments of sorrow. So rare has my mouth been still for an occurrence that warms the heart instead of shattering it. When will my breath be stolen by an act so overwhelmingly selfless and romantic. It takes acquired mind to taste this wine. My life, breathing in the warm breath, salty springs split open my mind. I've tried so hard and now... I run? I can't see... the walls are worn and cold... I've been here before, I can feel the shallow path.
I am going nowhere and nowhere is following me. Mocking is simple and stupid as such but it breaks me. I think I need the darkness to survive... everything plays like a symphony and sounds like a dream. Everything I touch needs it's own note, so I can
create angelic music. Put these worries and fears to sleep. Mortality is the half of the dream in which we bleed, we know what it is like to be dead already... forget that one powerful being. It is nothing but a dream. Sometimes the dreamer is aware... those are the best. When you can control the circumstances. A dead boy told me once that people shouldn't be so scared...
The frigid warmth and searing chill, do you feel it up your spine? Body relaxing, a force field of a tingly sense of gravity giving you s sense of freedom. Limbs of emptiness, heavy vision. Do you hear the music?
A babble of metaphors... to make me feel like I am anything at all. Dark words on light parchment... does not put the sensation back. Nothingness and everything mixed together makes my glass half empty until it is half full again.
I guess I am under the weather... since no one belongs here with me.
I wonder, I wonder.
I worry too much and care to little. A new fashion of apathy pumps through my veins. One slip of the tongue and it will crumble. One slip of will power and it will crumble. There is more int he world I need to explore. Surely it isn't my destiny to sit here and slowly rot away.
For now I play in the dark with my mind, narrating every action, curious if I can feel anything at all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
