Stars Only Show You The Past

What are you doing?

I ask myself this question all too frequently. I don't know what I am doing. I don't really know where I am going and barely understand what it is I even feel anymore. It may seem like the dark shroud may be lighter but the atmosphere still weighs heavy around my shoulders.

I see the shadows and ghost of things I thought I wanted. Reaching out to touch something that crumbles beneath the press of my fingertips takes my breath away.

Though I am not frightened and I am not sad.

I am curious.

Pinprick Needlepoint

Millions and billions and trillions of little points of light illuminate our existence. With all the tiny dots that make up the matter of our being... why must I contribute?

Cut along the dashes, connect the dots, dot your j's and stab your i's. Go up the road and not across. Do not mix your prescriptions with alcohol and do not operate heavy machinery while fucking in missionary.

So much pain balled up inside the glowing orb. Spinning, whirling... glaring, watching. Nothing is real anyways. Sell my blood for 25 cents a drop. That's what I have to sacrifice because I am just a little sweetheart. Purge me like a glass piggy bank. One fell swoop of a hammer and quarters will spill out of my insides. Wrap me up and take me to Mexico. Give the children sticks and I can feed them for a year. Same story, different language. Same song, different day. Tears are invisible when your standing in the rain. No one can see and no one will know.

Twist, twist, stab... inject. Repeat. Twist, twist, stab... inject.

Feel the burn... fire under your skin. It itches and seers. It is an artist... aren't the flowers pretty?

Is the long term worth living in this prison? Swallow your pills. Your body is no longer a temple or a greenhouse. Nothing is going to grow in there, too many parasites, too much salt in the soil and weeds in the garden. Surely anything good that could grown will be choked by the thistles. This garden was here before you, inherited it, passed down through generations... somewhere along the lines someone lost control. One weed was overlooked.

I can't swim anymore... the water is dark, thick like tar, pulling this way and that. I know I want out but I can't grab the rope.

Twist, twist, stab... inject. Repeat. Twist, twist, stab... inject.

Repeat till death.

For A Moment... Everything Makes Sense.

What do I want?

Tranquility.

To find peace within my own mind. To calm the thrashing oceans wearing down my damns. Can there be light within my mind? A stray sunshine beam penetrating the monsoon...

Things are always darkest before the dawn... so I wait. I feel it looming beyond the horizon. Warmth and happiness... just barely out of my reach. Is it mine? Can I have it? Must I suffer more? I don't know if I have any simple dreams left to be crushed. So I focus on the one thing I do have. Love. At least people care, within reason. I make myself incorporeal because I... choose to? Do I choose to be invisible? No. There are these glass rooms and everyone is in the other room... separated by a door... not obvious beyond the thin rectangular outline. Only a few know how to enter my little glass room. It grows smaller. Harder for people to fit through the door. Soon I will suffocate. Tracing the same lines everyday. Nothing changing. Nothing new... pitter patter... pitter patter... pace the gremlins of my mind. We haven't figured out how to break the glass. I hear Acai is the new miracle to save us? Bruises spread themselves across my flesh, there are no miracles here. There won't ever be.

I had a sparkling light once. Everything around me was a little brighter. Magical. Everything was so surreal... falling into place. The air was sweet, every echo an operatic note brushing across the softness of my fingertips. So happy. Content. I was once.

Then, unannounced to me, a dark mist began to invade my aura. Choking me and all the life inside me. Destroying my insides, fatigue... a heavy burden on my soul. No matter how hard I scrub, pain is etched in my skin, corrosion and rust... failure. It is all I see. One thing after another... and another... another... other...

Why won't the darkness go away. I've tried so hard to let the light in. I long to bury myself in the only arms that calm my raggy little plighting heart. Pretend nothing bad has happened to me. That one event didn't destroy my body and curse my existence... pretending with every fiber that it never even happened.

Everything blurs together. Numbers, dates, names, places, events... all scattered. I stare her down, that stranger, who stares back at me... never letting up with her disappointed eyes and imperfections. She whispers to me. Trying to resurrect the broken metallic ballerinas. Do I have the strength to fight it anymore...

Tranquility...

For a moment... it did make sense.

I know what I want... I do.
Fate doesn't want me to have what I seek.
Sleepless nights, restless days...
ominous omniscient presence...

Life is but a dream... for those of us already dead.

I'm Just A Shadow...

Fingers hard pressed against the reflection of someone I hate... standing there staring at me... but nobody is looking. I can hate her. I have every reason too. She isn't the person I wanted to see... now or ever... anymore. Every fade line, round mounds of flesh, glossed eyes that burn... all I see is sadness. Melting dreams, sand at my feet and glass fingertips. Everything is backward and dark... I am wasting away. Everyone around me is glowing.... I am fading. The ghosts embrace me in wispy waves of marionette dances, gliding above the ground for moment... then a sharp crack brings me back to the glow from the gray... face down on the ground... the earth feels cool, inviting, homey... until it warms... I can see her again, staring back at me. Her fingers crumble, landing silently in the sand. I close my eyes... she is staring back.


They'll never know how tough it is, to be the one who isn't chosen. To live so near to the spotlight and never step in it. But I know. I see more than anybody realizes because nobody's watching me.

And Then I Blew Out The Candle

Everything is so dark, inky clouds of misunderstanding and confusion. I want to think I can see everything so clearly. What is this though?

I have this feeling and it burns against my chest. A fuzzy floating lighter than air. Curse my tongue if I say love for you. It is there. Those butterflies I've been chasing are inside of me, all of them. To feel the warmth of your fingers against my ice cold skin. It is fading. Closing my eyes and tilting my head back, barely stirs the butterflies anymore. Not because they aren't there but because you aren't. Apparitions of the person who has my heart... but how are you treating it? Do you realize...

I keep telling everyone that they need to just give the people they love a slap in the face, a big dose of coughing reality, choke them, make them feel the truth of the air they are taking away. I need someone to do that to me. I can give and give and give but to what point will it finally leave me with nothing but a sketch. Won't someone tell me that I have big flaws I need to fix. Am I selfish... perhaps I am. I just want everyone to love me... or everyone to hate me. Huddled in a corner crying emo because I thrive on the darkness. I'm really not that crazy...

Distance of my mind from me is miles, trying to find its way back to me, bestowing a deep rest. Isn't there anyone to tell me how fucked up I am? Perhaps maybe just what I am doing right... am I? Am I doing anything right? Or am I hanging on... not worth hanging on. At some point the strength of my grasp is going to weaken. Nobody is going to catch me. Are they. The odds are already towering above me, wobbling with uncertainty, the echo of my soft steps will disturb the serenity at some point. Crashing down to me...

Where is the line when the metaphors become the truth. Tangible, tasteless and passionate.

What is going to happen. Should I just live for now, or live for tomorrow. Something that may not even exist.

Not even my dreams bring me the peace I desire. I feel the essence of the beauty I may hold whisper away into nothingness. All I hear are the moans, groans and ear splitting ethos of those around me. Only caring for themselves it seems. I am here! I am here... just a ghost in the after thoughts of your dreams. That little feeling... that little feeling. The feeling you don't have. Then I am gone.

Laying in the darkness all I was thinking about was you. What are you thinking about? I know it isn't me... nothing satisfies you. I don't satisfy you beyond a surface level. You are always going to want more. And this is all I have. I am giving you my everything and I am weak with exhaustion. My bones aches and my soul feels dark, shadowed, hurting and I don't know why... until this moment. All I want is for you to give it back to me... before someone else fills that void... before I can't give anymore and collapse into the broken marionette I've become. Taste me. Love me. Hear me. Hold me. Without the strings. Stringing me along. Dancing to your song. Do you see the circles you run in your manipulation. What else do you want from me. I have no more to give you! This is all I got... my heart bleeding on the floor isn't enough... am I enough. It isn't fair. My eyes burn with frustration. What am I doing to myself... I am thinking too much again. Ripping myself at the seams. This is what happens when I lay in the dark. I tear myself apart. Jumping at the sound of my own voice, a stranger I don't know telling me lies. My heart beating, bleeding...

If I am all you have... why do I feel like nothing?

Insomniac... and Sleuth... The Past Can Hurt...

Too much flows through my head. Seems like maybe I process too much at once. Over thinking things I should just let lie. But how does someone ignore the licking flame when it is burning their skin off?

A ghost, reflection, around each corner... waiting to catch me at the wrong angle... shatter. Should I let the razor whispers next to my ear, get into my head, where they rattle and slice? I don't think I can control it. I've done everything I can do... when is it too much? Pushing myself to hard to do or not do things?

Scanning the crystal squares with prying mind. Comparing, tracking, stalking and doing nothing but watching. When does it become creepy... I think it is creepy to begin with... the thoughts you articulate. The thoughts that pour out of my mouth as stringy incoherent ramblings. Winding around the point I am trying to articulate and strangling it into a weak gasping echo.

You wear a crooked battered mask with broken written across the forehead in faded pen...

Get over it already... Seven sins, seventh level of hell and seven years... you aren't only torturing yourself, pretending to be so ice cold. A little passion to melt your synthetic ice is not going to hurt anyone.

"The past is a prison for those who live in it... the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it."

If I can move on... why can't you... it is a festering wound that refuses to heal because your god damn finger is squiggling around inside of it... well more so it is her finger that you've mummified and are prodding me with. And now you have abandoned it strategically, leaving a space to bleed the disease out. Easing my pain with a distracting discomfort. It is still going to hurt as long as you continue. Faithful yes... as in returned favor... but your leaving me with a bitter flavor. For now play the double sided coin... abandon the ones who love you? I make no sense now, but density will only remain so long. Is nothing ever going to be enough? Are you never going to be enough? You do know the only one who cares anymore is me...

What am I saying. I might not even know. My eyes are wide but blank and my brain is buzzing line into blurs... my body is sore and weak, yet thriving. I don't know what I see in myself anymore... maybe just that last glimmer of wanting something more. So I take the first steps into the great unknown... well a small step for me... a giant leap for my lifetime.

Yet the whispers continue, sonic waves flow like blood down my face... I miss you. Even when I am slowly weathering away inside. I don't want to be ice... I want to be the sunshine that warms your face, dances in your eyes and melts your heart.

The star that guides you might be bright but it is leading you south... look toward me. The north star will lead you home to whose heart truly beats for only you.
If you lose site of me... then you are going to be left in the dark where the only stars you'll see will run you in blind circles until you are truly broken.

Empty