I can't control it... everything I do reminds me of you. I am delusional and know it isn't going to work but I want you to be with me or miserable forever.
Hate this. So much hurt. And for nothing.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Where Am I Going?
Trying to be happy because there are things to be happy about... isn't there?
People aren’t like they are in stories. They hurt each other without meaning to. They are kind and unbelievably cruel at the same moment. Like me, now. The first thing to understand, is that I never meant to end up here. And yet I did, twice. The first time, I was early. The second time, I was late.
I officially have one regret.
People aren’t like they are in stories. They hurt each other without meaning to. They are kind and unbelievably cruel at the same moment. Like me, now. The first thing to understand, is that I never meant to end up here. And yet I did, twice. The first time, I was early. The second time, I was late.
I officially have one regret.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Dear You,
What do you want me to say?
I watch and listen. But my words are still whispers in all the ears that pretend to listen.
I heard every word when you guys were yelling at each other. Such functional dysfunction, you think. It is poison, but if you can live with it... don't give me advice that you don't know how to rightly utilize. Every word you said to them was true... every word bounced around for a moment... It didn't stick. A pout, a tear and a soft hand stroke to make you not push what you mean further into the truth they need to come to terms with. There are so many false smiling faces but they are slowly peeling away. I am done wearing this mask. My soul hurts enough already.
As the only other human I have any true affection for right now. I hate to see you be hurt, even when you chose to ignore it and I want to always have you but never will. I cannot live with this dysfunction anymore. I cannot solve your problems anymore then I can solve mine. And while this house is under tyranny everything is always going to be about them. This is the time in my life I need things to be about me for once. Things are broken here and things are broken there... again... I can't fix the broken here. I can't continue to bend my will to fit, twist my face with scars of lies. Pretend to know how I am feeling... all of you. It isn't something shared. It is my burden alone to carry.
We are not going to see each other again. So... lets just pretend we are going to see each other tomorrow, just for pretend.
--Me
I watch and listen. But my words are still whispers in all the ears that pretend to listen.
I heard every word when you guys were yelling at each other. Such functional dysfunction, you think. It is poison, but if you can live with it... don't give me advice that you don't know how to rightly utilize. Every word you said to them was true... every word bounced around for a moment... It didn't stick. A pout, a tear and a soft hand stroke to make you not push what you mean further into the truth they need to come to terms with. There are so many false smiling faces but they are slowly peeling away. I am done wearing this mask. My soul hurts enough already.
As the only other human I have any true affection for right now. I hate to see you be hurt, even when you chose to ignore it and I want to always have you but never will. I cannot live with this dysfunction anymore. I cannot solve your problems anymore then I can solve mine. And while this house is under tyranny everything is always going to be about them. This is the time in my life I need things to be about me for once. Things are broken here and things are broken there... again... I can't fix the broken here. I can't continue to bend my will to fit, twist my face with scars of lies. Pretend to know how I am feeling... all of you. It isn't something shared. It is my burden alone to carry.
We are not going to see each other again. So... lets just pretend we are going to see each other tomorrow, just for pretend.
--Me
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