Pinprick Needlepoint

Millions and billions and trillions of little points of light illuminate our existence. With all the tiny dots that make up the matter of our being... why must I contribute?

Cut along the dashes, connect the dots, dot your j's and stab your i's. Go up the road and not across. Do not mix your prescriptions with alcohol and do not operate heavy machinery while fucking in missionary.

So much pain balled up inside the glowing orb. Spinning, whirling... glaring, watching. Nothing is real anyways. Sell my blood for 25 cents a drop. That's what I have to sacrifice because I am just a little sweetheart. Purge me like a glass piggy bank. One fell swoop of a hammer and quarters will spill out of my insides. Wrap me up and take me to Mexico. Give the children sticks and I can feed them for a year. Same story, different language. Same song, different day. Tears are invisible when your standing in the rain. No one can see and no one will know.

Twist, twist, stab... inject. Repeat. Twist, twist, stab... inject.

Feel the burn... fire under your skin. It itches and seers. It is an artist... aren't the flowers pretty?

Is the long term worth living in this prison? Swallow your pills. Your body is no longer a temple or a greenhouse. Nothing is going to grow in there, too many parasites, too much salt in the soil and weeds in the garden. Surely anything good that could grown will be choked by the thistles. This garden was here before you, inherited it, passed down through generations... somewhere along the lines someone lost control. One weed was overlooked.

I can't swim anymore... the water is dark, thick like tar, pulling this way and that. I know I want out but I can't grab the rope.

Twist, twist, stab... inject. Repeat. Twist, twist, stab... inject.

Repeat till death.

For A Moment... Everything Makes Sense.

What do I want?

Tranquility.

To find peace within my own mind. To calm the thrashing oceans wearing down my damns. Can there be light within my mind? A stray sunshine beam penetrating the monsoon...

Things are always darkest before the dawn... so I wait. I feel it looming beyond the horizon. Warmth and happiness... just barely out of my reach. Is it mine? Can I have it? Must I suffer more? I don't know if I have any simple dreams left to be crushed. So I focus on the one thing I do have. Love. At least people care, within reason. I make myself incorporeal because I... choose to? Do I choose to be invisible? No. There are these glass rooms and everyone is in the other room... separated by a door... not obvious beyond the thin rectangular outline. Only a few know how to enter my little glass room. It grows smaller. Harder for people to fit through the door. Soon I will suffocate. Tracing the same lines everyday. Nothing changing. Nothing new... pitter patter... pitter patter... pace the gremlins of my mind. We haven't figured out how to break the glass. I hear Acai is the new miracle to save us? Bruises spread themselves across my flesh, there are no miracles here. There won't ever be.

I had a sparkling light once. Everything around me was a little brighter. Magical. Everything was so surreal... falling into place. The air was sweet, every echo an operatic note brushing across the softness of my fingertips. So happy. Content. I was once.

Then, unannounced to me, a dark mist began to invade my aura. Choking me and all the life inside me. Destroying my insides, fatigue... a heavy burden on my soul. No matter how hard I scrub, pain is etched in my skin, corrosion and rust... failure. It is all I see. One thing after another... and another... another... other...

Why won't the darkness go away. I've tried so hard to let the light in. I long to bury myself in the only arms that calm my raggy little plighting heart. Pretend nothing bad has happened to me. That one event didn't destroy my body and curse my existence... pretending with every fiber that it never even happened.

Everything blurs together. Numbers, dates, names, places, events... all scattered. I stare her down, that stranger, who stares back at me... never letting up with her disappointed eyes and imperfections. She whispers to me. Trying to resurrect the broken metallic ballerinas. Do I have the strength to fight it anymore...

Tranquility...

For a moment... it did make sense.

I know what I want... I do.
Fate doesn't want me to have what I seek.
Sleepless nights, restless days...
ominous omniscient presence...

Life is but a dream... for those of us already dead.